Lady In Red

If you are reading this, then hi Lisa. The word ‘sorry’ doesn’t even begin to cover the horror that I put you through. I have no reason Lisa, no excuse other than there was a sick, twisted, perverse need in me to constantly be on the prowl for the next encounter, the next one-night-stand. The only thing I can say for sure is that it was in no way due to any imperfection in you, in fact I often miss your simple desire to love and laugh.

So why did I do it? Why did I cheat and treat you so poorly? I still don’t know, although I can say that I felt there were two me’s, one for you and another sick one who couldn’t stop trying to fill some hole in me. I used to try and justify my actions telling myself, “that horrid whoring version wasn’t the true me.

I ran in Heidi a few years ago. She said you are happily married and living down south somewhere. She mentioned you choose not to have kids and I remember thinking, “What a shame because you would have been a great mom.”

So why this letter now? Just last year my wife of 18 years (not anyone you knew) had an affair and left me. The months since have been the hardest I’ve ever experienced… and trust me I’ve experienced serious pain over the years. Somewhere between the steel band of gut wrenching sorry that wraps around the chest and keeps you from breathing, and the waking up from a catatonic state not knowing what day it was and realizing you haven’t eaten in at least three days, I realized that the pain I’m going through is the same pain I put you through.

I don’t expect you to care about this letter or an apology from me. You were smart and put me and the pain I caused you out of mind years ago. What I’m writing now isn’t meant to contour up those old hurts, in fact I doubt you will ever even see this letter. But there is one thing that I would like you to know Lisa: You were always the “Lady In Red” and I was just a color-blind fool.

It gives me joy to know you are happy and are being treated with the love and honor you always deserved. If you did read this, thanks Lisa, you are 1,000 times the person I ever stumbled to be.

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